The Commitment Question
Do you want a deep, intimate and healthy relationship, but always seem to gravitate toward partners with “commitment problems”? They may be married, living in another state, getting over an ex, a workaholic, involved with another person or a substance abuser.
You may not realize that you’re exhibiting the same conflict over commitment as the partners that aren’t available. You may not be feel like you’re running from a permanent relationship and may feel overwhelmingly focused on love and loving. But by always finding yourself with partners who are running away from commitment, you’re actually running away from it too. This “passive avoidance”, as compared to the “active” avoidance of running away, may be harder to recognize, say Steven Carver and Julia Sokol, in their book He’s Scared, She’s Scared. But it’s no less common.
Commitment and Daily Life
Many of us fail to understand the ways we avoid commitment and the ways in which this hidden conflict may be creating chaos or pain in our personal lives. And if we don’t understand how these feelings affect our behavior, we run the risk of sabotaging not only our relationships, but other areas of our life too.
“Commitment isn’t just about romance, it’s about life,” write Carver and Sokol. “If you’re hypersensitive to commitment, your struggle is going to emerge in more than one area.”
Commitment conflicts can influence the way you handle your career, your money and your friendships. Consider some of the following:
Are you hard to reach and don’t like to make plans?
Do you job hop or are you constantly searching for the perfect profession or perfect job?
Do you think of your living quarters as temporary, taking pride in your ability to move at the drop of a hat?
Does buying a house sound like a nightmare?
Do you feel overwhelmed when you think about pets or children?
How hard is it to make major purchases? Does making a choice drive you crazy because it limits your options?
“To the outside world, you may look solid, sound and committed,” say Carver and Sokol. “But inside your brain, your conflicts are raging, and you always have a contingency plan.”
What drives these conflicted feelings about commitment is a complex and very individual stew of anxieties, worries and concerns. Unexamined, these “ingredients” blend to create a powerful recipe for difficulty in finding and keeping love and happiness.
What We Fear
There are probably as many reasons why we worry about commitment as there are people who worry. Here are a few of the many fears you might be experiencing:
loss of freedom or personal space
giving up control
being bored
being stuck
losing individuality and your sense of self
loving too much
being dependent on someone else
being “found out”
giving up your lifestyle
making another mistake
being financially responsible or sharing your money
making life more complicated
It’s important to remember that the problem is not having the fear. Everyone has fears. The question is whether your fears are driving you away from healthy choices and pushing you toward partnerships that are ultimately unsatisfying, hurtful or painful.
Making Commitments
Establishing and sustaining a genuinely committed relationship isn’t simple, particularly in a society that promotes so many misunderstandings, myths and fairy tales about them. The chief myth is that of a soul mate, that perfectly matched man or woman who will reflect our taste and status, see us for who we are, love us for all the “right” reasons and help us become the person we want to be. Few partnerships consistently live up to this ideal.
To make commitments that count, Carver and Sokol suggest some of the following:
Acknowledge your conflicts and recognize your fears. Quit blaming your potential partners or looking for excuses. Examine how your fears have caused you to choose unavailable partners.
Make a commitment to yourself. Construct a meaningful, connected and full life. When you can commit to yourself, you can more easily commit to others.
Don’t think too far ahead. It’s too overwhelming. Keep your intentions positive and make the best decisions possible moment by moment.
Be present and accountable in all your relationships. Don’t hide your feelings, thoughts or true self. And if you say you’ll call, visit or meet with someone, follow through.
Stop falling in love with potential. This creates “if only” fantasies that never go anywhere. If you want change, you have to work on yourself, not your partner.
If you're ready for a deeper understanding about the challenges you face with commitment, our relationship therapists in Denver are here to help! Contact us to schedule your free 20-minute consultation.