10 Fears That Can Hurt Relationships
Loving someone involves risk, so it’s natural that fear is often present in relationships. Being aware of the things you’re afraid of can help you act with intention in your important relationships. Here’s a list of ten common relationship fears and how they can negatively impact your most important relationships.
1. Fear of losing freedom. “Tied down, trapped, cornered, stuck”—feelings of claustrophobia point to mistaken beliefs about what relationships are supposed to be. The ability to say No in a loving and respectful way, and to set clear and fair boundaries, are essential ingredients of healthy relationships.
2. Fear of conflict. Love can be messy. But it doesn’t have to be destructive. Effective communication skills can be learned. When handled with caring and respectful communication, conflicts can become important building blocks of deeper trust and intimacy.
3. Fear of change. Change means work, discomfort and uncertainty. But the rewards of growth and depth can be immense. As author Bruce Barton, wrote, “When you’re through changing, you’re through.” Reframe your fear of change as a negative to an opportunity for growth together and a way to keep the passion and interest in your relationship alive.
4. Fear of giving up or losing control. You don’t have to surrender personal power in a healthy relationship. In fact, in a healthy relationship there’s a feeling of equality while each maintain their uniqueness. If it’s a choice between being in control and experiencing trust and emotional intimacy, which will you choose?
5. Fear of pain. It’s not love that creates pain, but your attachments and expectations about love, relationships, and what the behavior of those you love is supposed to look like. Are your expectations realistic?
6. Fear of being “found out.” When you hide your true self from those you love, it’s often related to feeling that who you are is unacceptable. The fear of being found out is the fear of being fully known.
7. Fear of losing yourself. This fear can come from watching others (parents, friends, relatives) lose their individuality in relationships. The giving of yourself —your time, attention, caring and skills—is vital to the success of a relationship, but equally important is to be able to receive from your loved ones as well. Giving up your needs for your partner isn’t a loving act - it means there’s less of you present in your relationships.
8. Fear of not being enough. When you fear you’re inadequate, you often expect perfection in your partners. You use this expectation as a defense against your feelings of inadequacy. You have the choice of taking the risk to love and be loved, or be alone, feeling separate, with your story of inadequacy. Try changing that story to the true one: that you are a unique, deserving and lovable being.
9. Fear of rejection. To avoid being rejected, you may push others away, testing their love, or abandoning them before you are abandoned. Or to avoid being rejected, you may become a people pleaser, taking your authentic needs and desires out of the equation. Either way, you’re not fully committed to being authentic and present in your relationships.
10. Fear of dependency. Some people worry about losing the ability to take care of themselves, and others worry about being responsible for their loved one. Neither option creates a fulfilling relationship. To avoid those situations and create a healthy interdependency, be aware of the boundaries between you and your loved ones, and remember that, while you are supportive of each other, you are each responsible for your own feelings and well-being.
The relationship therapists at the Women’s Counseling Center of Denver can help with fears that you might be experiencing in your important relationships. Contact us today to schedule your free 20-minute consultation to get started today.